The Human experience amazes me.  It is both beautiful and baffling.  I believe this entire experience is charged by love, or the lack of it..  I often think of one of my favorite films: “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.” The two main characters fall madly in love and then throughout the course of their relationship things fall apart as with many couples.  All the things they loved about one another in the beginning, drew them apart in the end and with the help of a doctor, they erased each other from their minds. Having no memory of their doomed relationship, they meet and fall in love again but then discover they have both had their memories erased and decide to stay together any way..  That, to me, was the ultimate statement in love.

No matter how rough most relationships can be, we are there to go it again, to try to make it work, to give it another shot and pray that love prevails..

I must tell you that I cant seem to shake my curiosity in this area of the heart.  How does one maintain happiness, freedom, and love?  For me, I find the ego has the ability to get in the way and really mess it all up.  We are not fighting our significant other, we are fighting ourselves.

How do we break the vicious cycle?  I don’t claim to have all of the answers or even some for that matter but I do know these things are essential for my growth:

READ, READ, READ!! Read books about self love, spirituality and relationships.  Knowledge is power and having the wisdom to apply the knowledge is TRUE power.

Apologize. Saying “I’m sorry” from the heart can heal and taking responsibility is so freeing.

Find ways to be happy on your own. I make happiness a goal like some aspire to run a 10k marathon. If happiness is the goal, you will make decisions in alignment with it.

Be vulnerable. If you are constantly trying to protect your heart from being broken, you lose.  You may be missing out on true love.

Be honest. This is not easy because more than anything, we as humans lie about our feelings. “I wasn’t upset.” “I’m not jealous.” and the list goes on. Not only do we need to be honest, we need to create a space for our other half to feel comfortable with being honest.

And also.. Have a lot of sex! It releases hormones that make us happy and it strengthens our bond…

Our work for good relationships is like brushing our teeth, we must do it everyday, never missing one day.  And this work has to be done in all relationships: kids, family, co-workers…you name it!

Of course there’s a million other things that can help any relationship, these are just a few.. I realized that maybe the mind can’t be spotless, but with work and the releasing of things that are fear-based senseless distractions, then we begin to find love for ourselves and the love we desire.

At midnight last night, I got the meanest texts ever! The ex did NOT like the article at all!  This absolutely floored me.  I felt as though I was reflecting and taking full responsibility for how I helped fuck up our dynamic.

Honestly, the “Life” article was both freeing and very hard to write. Freeing because it feels goods to tell truth and hard because the truth ain’t always easy.  I just know that when it ended I had one primary goal, to be completely transformed from the whole experience. The break up was by far the hardest thing I have EVER dealt with in that, it went deeper than 2 people I lost tons (I mean TONS) of friends as soo many were affected and so many had to “choose”.

The blogging has been for me what writing has always been; therapy.  When I began the blog I realized the power it had to help and so I made a pact to stay in integrity, tell the truth and NEVER ever play the victim.

So often, after a breakup, blaming feels good, even healthy at times but what would I gain from that other than more of what I don’t want? They say lessons are repeated until they are learned and man do I believe that!

My whole point of the “Life” article was the realization that I was the pot calling the kettle black. What I thought  was wrong was not wrong at all, it just wasn’t for me and no matter who you are and what you do there is someone out there who can and should embrace you. And if there are qualities about yourself you hate then either change them or find a way to fall in love with them. Because in truth, our relationships are reflections and if we can’t embrace ourselves then a relationship will only mirror back that which we cant stand to see…

I will always believe that every relationship in our lives should uplift, make us feel great and help us breathe easier.

My intention was never to cause even more pain by writing but to just honestly tell my side, express my thoughts and get my free therapy. I understand that you can’t please all the people all the time and you shouldn’t even try. I didn’t snap back at the ex….I held firm, suggested he read it again and simply said,

IT’S MY BLOG! I CAN WRITE IF I WANT TO!!!

In my past relationship, I spent much of my time trying to change the poor guy.  I reflect on this with a bit of shame because I felt he spent most of his life being controlled by his family and then… he met me…. his “Savior”, right?

I had all these amazing ideas for how he should live his life. Eat this, Don’t eat that! Don’t ever use a microwave. Don’t have another drink.  Don’t get drunk.  Buy this.  Get this car.  Don’t be his friend.  Wear this.  Cut your hair.  Let it grow.  Read this book.  Stop playing video games.  Don’t buy that!  Don’t let your family control  you.

OMG! Out of the grip of his family and right into mine…

I swear, at the time, I had no clue that this is what I was doing. And at the same time, I can’t say that if someone told me I was doing this, I would have believed them.

As sad as that may be, I find so many couples with the same issues. The woman takes the lead and the guy reluctantly adheres. This is a formula bound for failure but I didn’t know. I thought if I get him to do all these things that I would love him ”more”. More is the key word because I did love him deeply but the problem was that he wasn’t exactly the guy for me.

I was young and up until that point my love came with a gazillion conditions and although him ”going along” with most of these helped us to be quite happy and prosperous, I don’t think it was fair. Okay, I know it wasn’t fair. You should fully and completely love your partner for who and what they are, as they are. Instead I loved him “as long as”…

While I was still in it, I remember, years down the line, the horrific feeling of no longer being attracted to him and knowing deep down that there was nothing wrong with him.  I read everything i could on the subject because I NEEDED to know why.

I read. I meditated. I took group therapy. I soul searched and you know what I found?

I was so busy….I handled our money. Did the paper work. Balanced the books. Handled the taxes. Did the cleaning. And all the while had no clue that every task I did meant I didn’t trust he could do it. I couldn’t relax and let him be a man and that lack of trust bled into our bedroom, I didn’t trust he could please me.

In truth, he was amazing. He opened doors. He made me laugh. He laughed at all my dumb jokes. He was loyal and honest. He ALWAYS told me how pretty I was. Whatever I asked for he would give me… but…

I learned that as strong as I am, I need some one stronger. I prefer a man with a family that does not interfere. Someone that I can trust to totally control the situation. Someone from a not so conservative background.  Someone who doesn’t play video games.  Someone to balance the books. A man who loves peace and harmony above the fight along with all the qualities that I was blessed to get in my previous relationship… And because I was able to look at all of my follies with truth and honesty I got the relationship I desired….

It amazes me that I had to experience soo much to really get this …

Life…Truly a Learn as you go program!